The thing about sharing my life on the internet is that you inevitably get the bad with the good. That’s life, ya know? While this post is extremely raw and vulnerable, it’s real. And I think a lot of you will probably be able to relate. So, here we go.
Back in July I went on a really great date with this guy from Bumble. After our fifth date, things escalated fairly quickly. I met his bosses, he met all of my best friends, and we were spending a lot more time together. I didn’t plan on having the feelings that I did, as I’m usually pretty guarded in the beginning, but I was starting to fall for him. Fast-forward three months: things crashed and burned.
It wasn’t a bad break up (if you can even call it that), we ended things very maturely and on mutual terms, but it still stung. He was trying to figure out his life, and I was trying to figure out why he still hadn’t called me his girlfriend. He wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, and I wasn’t willing to wait around until he was. In retrospect, I probably waited too long to ask what he was looking for— because I know exactly what I want at this point in my life (a husband).
The night that things ended, I really felt sorry for myself. I replayed every cute date over and over again in my head until I fell asleep (cue the violin). Admittedly, this continued on for a couple of days. Then I woke up one morning and something changed. I realized if it didn’t work out, it’s because he wasn’t right for me in the long run, and my guy is still out there. I shouldn’t have to compromise what I want, and what I’m feeling, to be with someone who seems perfect in the moment. And I certainly shouldn’t waste time moping around like a pathetic sack of potatoes.
The days following said crash and burn, I couldn’t muster up the courage to get back on Bumble. I felt weird submerging myself back into that world, and to be honest, I had totally lost my mojo. But eventually, I bounced back.
I started swiping, and chatting, and forced myself to agree to another date for no other reason than to show myself that I could. I started to focus all of my energy on myself again, and the things that make me happy— like the blog, my family and friends, and exercise— so I could find my independence and stride. Sometimes you just have to get up, dress up and show up, even when you don’t feel like it. You have to remove yourself from the situation and douse yourself in all the things that make your eyes sparkle, in order to forget what made your eyes sad.
It’s disheartening to be starting back at square one, because what I want more than anything is to find my person. However this made me realize that there are great guys out in the wild and that dating apps can work if you put yourself out there. While I’m disappointed, I’m still extremely hopeful. I have to be. It gets lonely, but I know that my future husband is out there, and I have to have faith in the process and stay blindly optimistic.